Hahahahah....cough....cough...

Have you ever tried to explain an inside joke and started laughing in the middle, only serving to make the whole thing more awkward than it already was? The other party is looking at you like you are in the throes of a seizure, the look makes you laugh harder, before you know it you are choking on your own snorting piggy laughter at a joke you can't get out -to someone who will never think its as funny as you do? No? Just me? Ok, whatever gets you by.

I've done this, and let me tell you, when you finally start getting enough oxygen to your brain again you realize that you had better NEVER stop laughing because your laughter is making them laugh and when that stops and you have to explain out loud the actual thing that started it all, it is going to be a huge letdown and they will do that sad little not-a-whole-laugh and then sigh for you. With you. But they are wondering what you have smoked and you are wondering how to change the subject.

The secret to this (yes there is one) is to be smoking something. No one ever gives the sad face to a pot smoker who is indulging in a good belly laugh about something they don't understand. You laugh along with, then when its all over, you believe you were laughing at something funny and not just to go along with the crowd. Pot is so inclusive like that. Not like that "You aren't cool enough, get out of the bathroom" attitude Cocaine has. Maybe its the contact high. See? Cocaine is a stingy dick.

Cold.

Awww....

There is seriously nothing as cute as seeing our dogs all snuggled up on the couch in the same direction, almost but not quite asleep, with that look on their face that says, "NO I don't need to use the bathroom and its cold out there, so shut the fucking door already". Just priceless. Guess you had to be there.

Heart = Warm

Has everyone been reading the story of the New York City police officer, Lawrence DePrimo who bought a pair of winter boots and socks for a homeless man he met while on duty? I have read the story at least 3 times and I am cuttin' onions!

I don't know why, but I am in love with this story. DePrimo says the man was very polite and you could see that he had blisters on the bottom of his feet and was walking on his heels, barefoot. He said it was freezing out that night and he just thought he had to help him.

The office talked to the man and he found out what shoe size he wore, then went to a nearby shoe store looking for shoes and socks. The store employee gave him his employee discount to help out and he took the shoes and socks to the man and knelt down to help him put them on. There was a woman visiting NYC from Arizona who snapped a photo and it went viral after she sent it to the NYPD to tell them what a great thing she witnessed. Her father had been in law enforcement and she knew what was happening.

The homeless man thanked him and walked away.

Something about this gets me every time. Just one human being offering shoes to another. There are a thousand ways to help people, big and small. A gesture that this officer didn't hesitate to make, and certainly didn't think anyone else would know about, but has changed him forever. The outpouring of love from people who read the story and know what it is like to reach down and help someone, or to have someone reach down and help them is so touching. People who wish they had the courage to do something, even something small to help someone else.

There's a line in the movie, We Bought A Zoo. The character Ben Mee says:

You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.

It can be difficult to ask for help. It can be harder to see someone need help and offer it. All you need to do is close your eyes, forget what you think you know and step forward. One step. Start talking. Don't think about doing it, just begin. Look for the opportunity to reach out. They are all around you. Then screw up the courage to take the leap that will change both of your lives forever.My heart is warmed by this person's leap. I'll try to find a way to take my own.

Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Jobs

So I may have already told you, but I've held a lot of jobs. I would like to tell you how many, but honestly I lost count. It's more than you have had, of that I am sure. That's what happens when you are a dreamer and don't want to be pigeonholed.

Currently I am in the shit stick of jobs. Its a quicksand pile of douchebaggery, punctuated by the ramblings of an overgrown baby in control of the place. Worst of all- I got this job on purpose. I needed a job, I applied, I willed them to interview me and unsurprisingly, they called me in. That was a year and a half ago. Its not even the worst job I've ever had. By a long shot. Its just the latest in a long string of jobs that were 'safe' and made 'sense' and let me get more mileage out of the 'office clothes' I've collected over the last decade and a half.

Now, I know where you are headed.....just stop. Stop right there, put down the "you're lucky to have a job" sign and step away. There. Much better, hmmm? M'kay.

Because I know I am fortunate to be employed. I know lots of people went to college, obtained important degrees and are stuck in jobs that are so far beneath them, they get vertigo stepping into the office. I know that, but unless you are new here, you know that will not stop me from talking about it.

Husband and I are currently embroiled in two of the worst jobs. The actual job description, location, climate, office, clothing, etc. are not the problem. The problem is the people in charge and the culture they create. You learn something from every experience in life, and from this one we are learning to ask, "So what is your management style? and 'How would you say you delegate tasks?', 'What anti psychotic medications are you currently taking?"and other questions to potential employers in future job interviews.

Everyone copes with their horrible, no good, very bad job in one way or another. I have decided that my job is going to get their money's worth out of me. No more than that. And I don't make millions here, so....You get a second blog post today! And you! And you!

Hey, at least I'm not working in retail over this holiday season, but I assure you I did not go to college so that I could help management figure out how to load a stapler. This place has pushed me closer to what I need to be doing than anything ever has. The realization of how much money my superiors make while they watch puppy videos on You Tube is the final crushing blow that forced me to write.

Hubby works for a long distance, self styled Type A manager without enough skills to do his job who has installed a new puppet to do her dirty work/surveillance. Such an oppressively fake atmosphere. In the spirit of terrible jobs we (should be grateful for) hate, let's list jobs we would love:

1. Writer
2. Bed tester
3. Book reviewer
4. Model
5. Secret Shopper
6. Toy company CEO
7.  Ice cream taster
8. Professional Ice Skater
9. New gadget tester
10. Philanthropist

Isn't that better? Now go buy a lottery ticket, I have heard its over $400 Million!

Chicken Day of the Yam Meltdown

Happy Thanksgiving. I know its late. Think of it as cold turkey....leftovers!
Cold turkey has two meanings and both of them are kind of awful...we should talk about that soon. Remind me.

Growing up, my older sister decided early on that I was responsible for all of the evil or inconvenient things that happened. Ever. Especially on holidays, and almost every Thanksgiving. Before me, she was the only girl. Even after my older brother was born, she was fine. But by the time I rolled around, she knew this was not good. The shit show of way too many kids was well on its way and I was the sign of the apocalypse. Therefore, it was all my fault. It is now a joke in my family to say "Thanks for ruining____________, Velvet!"

My brother said to me this year- Hey, where is someone to tell you how you are ruining everything? I offered that he could do it, but seeing as how he was eating food I prepared, he probably didn't feel up to it. (Did I mention he lives with us right now and I do most of his laundry/cooking/dishes?) Yeah..so he put another deviled egg in his mouth and hummed away.

I tried to ruin Thanksgiving, folks. I put all my effort into it. To no avail.

My mother is practically MIA on holidays anymore, two of our siblings live far away and my two younger siblings are single, so we do a little something at my house. This year, my sister reminded me how much she hates turkey (birthday too close to Thanksgiving her whole life) so I got rotisserie chickens from Costco (I KNOW!), cornbread stuffing and the pre-cut veggies from Trader Joe's, cranberries courtesy of Ocean Spray and then I made candied yams and deviled eggs so I could say, "I've been slavin' over this for hours, y'all!"

It worked. No one cared. Except my nephew. Who hates food. Not all food, just the ones made for Thanksgiving. Because he is four years old. We tried to feed him a bite of yam and endured 5 minutes of crying, interrupted by the view of chewed yam rolling around. This kid has serious will. He would not eat it. Finally I decided that was enough, handed him a napkin and told him I was done talking about yams. He rewarded me by sweetly asking if he could now have a "Shmarlow". How frickin' cute is that? I almost died. Yam meltdown forgiven. Two shmarlows for you, young child.

Our Thanksgiving was overflowing with the joy and gratefulness of the season, since I only had to lay eyes on my stepdaughter's mother one time for about 20 seconds. My cup overflows with gladness. Even though they picked her up almost an hour early. I shit you not. I still have no idea how that beautiful creature emerged from the DNA shared by these people. Miracle of life right there.

But in the end, we all got where we were going, we ate food, drank wine, played games and made snowflakes, everyone was safe and no one went hungry and that is so much more than we realize. I'm grateful that we have it so good. I hope you do as well.

How to Get Your Way

I have discovered it. The thing you have been looking for forever. And I can tell you why you'll never get it.

So I work at a Community College, and boy does the name suit this place. It is a mangled mesh of all strands that make up the fabric of our little society. Working here affords me many things, not the least of which is that I am privy to some of the most interesting human interactions of my life. And that is how I found it.

You see, I have an issue with entitlement. Specifically, with people who believe in their own entitlement. (Just to clarify, I am talking about the, "but I'm here and I need it, so make it happen," sort, not the "I've worked all my life and paid in, now I want Social Security" sort.) I watch while certain people, from all walks of life are able to get people to do things for them that they would not do for others, imposing on their time, money, energy, position, whatever. Just so long as they can get the thing they want or need and not have to follow the rules that everyone else does. This is not the stray student looking for a pencil, although that takes a big pair to come find me and ask for a school supply you have been responsible for bringing with you since 3rd grade. No, this is the "I know this is not the way it's normally done, but...." line of thinking. You know how it goes. You get it all the time. Its either a boss, coworker, subordinate, child, friend, or maybe the person trying to cut in front of the line of cars merging onto the freeway.

Today, and today only, I will throw in that I have figured out why it works for those people and why it does NOT work for me. Or you. Probably. I hope it doesn't work for you.

Ready?

I thought so. Here it is: .......................................













Waiting.

That is it.

 I know, a huge letdown, right? But let me explain. You see, if you ask someone something, they answer you. The answer to the overreaching question is undeniably "No." But if you press on, not by pushing forward, but simply by continuing to stand there, or stay on the line in silence, or stare at the person, you can make it happen. You can get your way. You can watch the tide roll back, the waters separate and billions of people praise your name. Well, basically.

And you know why it doesn't work for you and I? We cannot do it. You either have more dignity or you have more shame. Everyone has both, but you have a majority of one or the other. If you are deficient in your dignity, you can wait. And stare. And stand there. And look hopeless. And not leave. Not hang up. Never. Until you get your way.

Try doing it sometime. Ask for something you should not get, and try to stay in place, maintaining eye contact. I guarantee you will experience such a rush of discomfort and frustration that you will look like you need to evacuate your bowels. The person will no longer be under your spell and will ask that you leave the room, lest you ruin the nice furnishings. At the very least, they will begin to be uncomfortable and forget that you were trying to impose on them entirely. What you are experiencing here is shame. The other person is experiencing your discomfort and wants the whole thing to stop. Over the phone, it is palpable.

The people who can get what they want cannot get it themselves. They are a virus, requiring a host.

Don't be a virus. You know what you need to do. You know how it works, and what the rules are. You are not different or special in the way that someone else needs to be put out to accommodate you. If no one has ever told you that, now they have. You are welcome.

Don't be a host, either.  When the shame filled virus reaches you, you have defenses. Do not let it happen. Do not argue or continue to explain why it cannot happen, why you cannot do it, why those are the rules, blah blah blah... These are openings that will be exploited by the virus to find a problem with your logic and therefore impose on you. After you've said no, just stand there, silently, staring, thinking about what it is that you want (which is for them to go away) and for once, just this one time, you will get your own way. This behavior confuses the virus better than a Z Pak. Just wait. One more minute. Don't be uncomfortable. Stand high in your dignity.

You're welcome.

Epic Shitstorm

I have had a storm brewing. An Epic Shitstorm to be exact. This storm has been in position, waiting to strike for a long time. There have been smaller storms, times when in my anger and frustration, I tried to sit down and explain how we could avoid the Epic Shitstorm. I tried to tell the townspeople there was trouble and to do things to avoid making it worse.

But they thought they knew better than I do.

Today's list comes to you courtesy of my full time ass hat of a boss. This jerk thinks that if he storms around, bullying everyone into feeling bad, neglects key administrative duties, spends money in strange ways, promotes some people while ignoring others and whines enough about how hard it is, we'll all care. This management style is not very popular, to say the least.

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Whoops. I started writing this post about 4 days ago. I stayed home Friday, gave up on it, and today it came to me why.

This is crap. I don't want to finish this post. This is not what I was put on the earth to do. I am not interested in pulling this negativity nearer to myself. This is powerful hatred of the first order and the longer I hang onto it, the more it consumes who and what I really am. And what I should be doing. Making a list of the reasons my boss sucks a bag of dicks does not help me. Boy, this blog thing is therapeutic. I just saved thousands by switching to sanity!

Most of the time my thinking is like a thick fog of smoke, but right now its clear as a bell. Everyone knows they are destined for greatness from a young age. The problem is that as you get older, you forget what you knew. It doesn't change. You do. Your expectations and experience and 'wisdom' get in the way. You get mired in thoughts of how much you hate someone and lose sight of how awesome you are. Focus on the positive. They look incredibly dull next to your brilliance. The reason they seem so petty is because you can see through all of it. The meaningless bribes are irritating to you because your self esteem is too high to be bought with junk. If you weren't so great, they wouldn't seem so terrible.

The lesson therefore, is to only pay attention to the forward motion you are making. Everything that is not on par with this will fade into the shadows of obscurity. For me, this means writing about funny things and irritating things alike, but nothing that is unworthy of my time.