If you ever want to figure out just who you are, try a little exercise: First, think about who you are not...the kind of person you will not be, and the things you will not put up with. Don't give me that line about negative thinking- this is positive, trust me. After you do this, you will have cleaned the slate. Free from expectations and pressures, armed with the remembered knowledge of what you resist, you will be able to see who you actually are. This is helpful for when I get lost, which I do from time to time.
I don't toe the line very well. I dress pretty moderately, in clothes you would expect for a woman my age (or older, really). I own a lot of sensible shoes. These are because I am comfortable that way. If they give off the impression that I am interested in pretending not to see what is going on around me and call bullshit on it, they are so very not sorry about that. I don't care what idiots think. I'm not here to make it easy for you to catalog and judge me.
I am a bit of a jerk as far as some people are concerned. Most people want to pretend to be idiots, so therefore it seems like I'm the asshole. I don't actually think people are all stupid. They are stuck, sad, lonely, lazy, scared, bitter, constantly living life through the lens of their experiences. If I am not subsidizing that self sabotage by handing you a Kleenex to cry into, you'll have to excuse me. I don't care what people think of me, only whether or not their negativity has a negative impact on my life and ability to improve conditions. I am working on being aware of that and letting go of the nasty attitudes I encounter. That is THEIR bad day. THEIR long held belief. I do not need people to hang on my every word, to like me because I validate their experience or allow them to turn my life into theirs. You don't need to like me. I have friends. I will be me long after you are gone.
If you are an above mentioned moron, and wish to make contact with me, please take note: your comfort is of no importance to me. Your feelings are inconsequential. You are in your orbit and I am in mine. Should you drive the vehicle that is your time on this earth into a collision course with me, however- you are in for quite the crash. I will ignore your bad attitude, not your bad actions. Take notice.
I'm not a narcissist. In fact, the opposite is really true. I really need other people to do my best work. Improving the lives of others and changing the world is all I really care to accomplish on this earth. If I support local businesses and smile at someone when they happened to need it, or over-tip someone when they least expected it, that is all gravy on the meat.
To be true to yourself, you need to do a few things. First, you need to know yourself. Then you need to accept yourself. I have done extensive research into the first part of the equation. I spent many years and am coming to the end of the second part. I realize now what I should have known all along. I am who I am. There is probably nothing that will fundamentally change my core beliefs, and there is also nothing that should. I do not need to be changed. I seek improvement to refine my abilities to add to the world and the experience I am having while spinning on this rock with all of you, but there is nothing 'wrong' with me. Or you. Even if you are a moron. Your choice to remain clueless and detract from the experience you are having and that of others around you is your choice. You are free to make it. And you are free to live with it.
Once you know who you are, then accept who you are, you will realize an important truth: No one else has to accept who you are. This is perhaps the hardest part, but undoubtedly the site of self awareness we all seek to some extent. I know who I am. I like who I am. I will not change who I am. I will use this knowledge and the inherent gifts that come with being this particular set of cells to do my best to further the human race. This is what freedom feels like.
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