Thursday, March 21, 2013

Fat Girl

A couple of months ago I had a revelation. Like all revelations, it happened fast but was a long time coming.

Just like that. It turns out I am fat.

Not a little chubby, not 'lose a few pounds' and be at my all time ideal weight. No kids, this time its for real. I am overweight. Over. More than. Too much. I have checked the BMI calculator and determined that there is a range I can fall into and things will be OK. I am NOT in the range right now.

I have been alerted to this problem for some time, and several pounds ago I thought, Hmm .. maybe I should lose this weight...and yet I had no idea where to start or what to do.

Yet again I was busy ignoring this and then I hit up a dressing room. You see, I don't shop for clothing every single day.  I don't have a full length mirror in either bathroom or my bedroom and haven't actually seen myself in one since, well, fuck- a long time. I KNOW! I KNOW! Then I tried on clothing in front of a full length mirror with another one behind me and the 360 effect was chilling.

Not bone chilling, because there is too much blubber on top to chill my bones, but terrifying nonetheless...

I am in relatively good health and yet, my body is trying to morph into a strange shape to accommodate all of the Costco muffins and bread and pasta I have ingested. Clothes don't fit. Bras don't fit. Where did these boobs come from?  Not cool. So not cool. I was so distracted by this new development I started thinking about an Exercycle and rice cakes. You may not even remember these 80's relics of weight loss, but let me tell you- I was scared straight.

I've got the same problem that a lot of people do: I do a LOT of things- I go to work every day,  I am responsible for a house and a budget and a child, several pets, being the best wife I can be, connecting to family and friends as often as I can...and I get all of that done. What I don't do: WORK OUT. That is why I am fat. I am not moving at a pace that will keep my heart rate up and the constant little errands and dry cleaning and dishes and laundry and dinner and and and are keeping me from being who I am.

I'm losing myself. Literally. Under mounds of excess flesh. Gross.

I'm also losing myself in that I am always lost in a series of small but endless things to do to keep the ship running at regular speed, and all the while, no one is getting anywhere. No one will be happy. And I will get even fatter.

I know what I had to do and my sister and I began stretching and moving and calisthenics and aerobic exercise for at least 30-60 minutes. We'd get together and burn up a whole bunch of calories. It was great. That lasted a while. But she lives far away and old habits die hard. I found myself worried about it, then stagnant. One day I woke up and thought about how ridiculous it is that I can explain to other people how not to drive their life in a circle and I was not taking my own advice.

Now I am just moving, trying, changing, taking walks during the workday, drinking vegetable juices for breakfast. You have to do something different to get something different. I will have to change or I will have this talk with myself again in two years. The time will pass either way. What do you want to have on the other side of that time?

I had the motivation but no idea where to start to really change things. Not just start drinking spinach first thing in the morning, but how do you start to become someone else? Someone who is living a healthier life? You stop.

I stopped getting home and rushing around. I stopped believing that I could put taking care of myself at the end of my to do list instead of at the beginning. I stopped making myself feel bad for not being the same size I was in high school and I stopped comparing myself to others. I stopped coming in the door from work and tearing apart the kitchen, as if a clean sink and a homemade meal were some kind of insurance against being a bad person and if I just kept cleaning, I would be fine. I stopped being that which I caution others against. I stopped hiding myself behind chores.

Sometimes I sit down and don't get up for a bit. Sometimes I immediately change and go outside and walk the dogs, for  the exercise and sanity that helps all parties involved. A couple of weeks ago I had the best dog walk I've had in 2 years with these dogs. Best walk. It could be because I wasn't pulled down the street by a mangy mutt, but I believe it was also a great walk, because for me, I was finally headed somewhere. I was headed toward me.

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