Wednesday, March 6, 2013

How to Stage an Apocalypse and Become Oprah

You have to have a plan in life. it is good to look up to successful people, to find a worthwhile mentor. It is nice to have a general idea of how you would like things to turn out. But a LIFE PLAN is essential. Going without it for a long time, you will find yourself drifting. Other people will take advantage of your 
drifti-tude and suck you into their problems and make your lack of aim their prize. Don't let this happen to you. Get a plan. My plan is to stage the Apocalypse and become Oprah.

My plan is based on a few principles; I am smart, funny, interesting and I have a lot of things to say to people about the world, climate change, women, gender roles, parenting, education, poverty, ineptitude, relationships, people's expectations, you name it. People love to talk about themselves, so getting them going is never that tough. Everyone is already sick of Dr. Phil and his crap, and the world has real problems that need solving.

I predict that I will begin writing first, and I will get a great following of people who have not heard enough tough love from their 'everyone gets a trophy' life they led, I will then publish a book..probably called "NO, you do not get a trophy for participating' or something similar and then I will be making the rounds on talk shows and asked to guest host and guest blog and give talks to businesses and schools about how to stop whining and get it done. I have always wanted to counsel people, but en masse- that's what I'm talking about!

I will veer back to thoughts of teaching and maybe do some before I realize that I can make a better living doing other things instead of teaching and that you just can't teach fabulous.

I will be famous and amazing and I will regularly use all of the material my office life has given me to prove what you do not and should not have to put up with. Then all of those people will hear that and be angry and insulted and alternately gloating that obviously they are the reason I made it big. Suckers. All of them. I will rake in the dough while laughing at the pathetic image of them whining on and on and on about it all while saying they don't care. The irony! The absolute perfection of it will be intoxicating. I will wake myself from the haze of it with the smell of all my money. 

This is when you know you have become Oprah. All of the people that told her she would never succeed, all of the haters that said she would never make any real money or that people were only helping her because they felt bad for her couldn't get past the gates at her house now.

Now its getting fun. Because although I am stuck in the swamp of madness, I will wash off all of the crazy and I will emerge with stories to tell and laughs to elicit and people to amaze with my ability to suss out the reality of the situation, pull it right out of your chest while its still beating and show it to you. You will have thought that was your secret, that you were hiding that and no one knew. All at once, the show will implode and you will realize that not only do I know but I've known all along. There will be laughter, then, for sure- but it will only be mine.

You don't have to actually become Oprah. She is a living, breathing human being and I don't want to be personally responsible for having unleashed Dr. Phil on the world, so there is that. But you do need a plan. You need to believe that the sky is the limit and that there is nothing to stop you. In order to achieve your apocalyptic life change, you have to stop having sympathy for those people who refuse to have a plan and therefore want to put the kibash on yours. Get mean if you have to. 

I want to be nicer about it. To listen, nodding, wide-eyed, appearing to be super interested in your every word and listen to you blather on about how this is not going to happen. It seems like it might make you feel better. I want that. Like I want to be a better gardener, or know how to properly clean tile.... I can already do it, it might be good to get better at it, but I will give up on it in a heartbeat for something more interesting and amazing. 

Instead, I will become something more interesting and amazing. And you will sit, listening, wide-eyed and mouth agape at my every word. Just like you are doing now. Muaaahahahahah!

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