Tuesday, January 29, 2013

How My Job Drives Me To Drink

I have been doing it again. Having the same conversation over and over and over. Having it with myself, having it with other people, having it in my sleep. What do they say about doing the same thing over and over again? I've been circling the shark pool and yet trying to bob for apples. There is nothing left in this conversation. Or is there?

I've found myself circling closer to the source of everything. Its a swim of discovery, kids. I had this conversation a couple of months ago with someone and today I edited for clarity (ha! as if!) and nothing has changed. This is the definition of a rut:

Today I am vacillating between utterly and completely bored and disinterested and thinking of feigning terminal illness to leave and just getting up, grabbing my shit and walking out. I am blown away that I am here- its like my car is on auto pilot to drive here every day.

 It is not even that bad, it's just the realization that this is not for me and never has been. I am not a secretary, I just happen to be able to do those things. I'm not a professional hand washer but I am competent at it... you know? I'm sure I am not the only person trapped in a stupid job but this is now so far beneath my skill set as to be ridiculous. I do lots of menial things at home, why do I need to be here? 

I am in need of a break. I want to go home and clean my house and write a book and paint for a week then do some work in the garden and plant little flowers and paint some walls and let my hair get all dread-locked because it does that when i sleep on my curls. I want to just spend two hours painting intricate patterns on my toenails and a day or a month reading old books....is that too much to ask?

I need a hippie vacation where I take a van and drive somewhere and camp on the beach for one night until I regain my senses and sleep in a hotel....I need to meet new people and write about my travels and run away for a while and be a vegan for a week, teach myself to play guitar and smoke something crazy and stop wearing makeup. I'll shave because I'm neurotic but still....getting up to get dressed to sit here and pretend I give a shit about where we hold our holiday party/meeting? Nope. Not today.

Why don't we go? Life is so short. we are owned by our possessions ..yes things are nice but life is real and real is as good as it gets. I'd rather meet a wonderful old woman who makes amazing coconut pie in a diner in Texas with a life story than to sit in an office on the life support of a paycheck while trying to grow with the help of fluorescent lights. I would rather scrape up my last dollar for that pie than earn another for giving myself away.

While I carried on with all of these white girl problems, my friend Allison said to me that people don't go because we have it ingrained into us that this is how life is supposed to be and that we look down on those who "get out"

She makes an excellent point- we do... we all do..if you are not driving a newer car, paying your 'dues' and conforming to society in a way that would make you acceptable for a Chase bank commercial, you are doing it ALL WRONG! And we are all there to point it out to anyone who messes it up, lest they make us feel/look bad.

Of course we live at the capacity of our incomes, making what we need in order to look like we make a lot, spending all of it in the pursuit of something that makes it OK to keep going to work...what is the sense in consuming more things to make you happier about the terrible job you do to make the money to consume more things?

It reminds me of the Austin Powers line by Fat bastard: I eat because I'm depressed, I'm depressed because I eat, its a vicious cycle! 

The worst part, I feel, is that I'm not even saying anything we all don't know.. all of my words are superfluous. Without inspiration my life will continuously be a repeat of what I know and what everyone knows. That is how you convince yourself something is true- keep saying it, surround yourself with others who believe it and will keep saying it. Pretty soon you are in a feedback loop of your own original thought. What will I have thought that is new in the next 50 years unless I change the loop/break a wall/surround myself with different and interesting and new and challenging things? I'll have nothing to say. Perhaps that is the worst thing of all.

And yet....

Knowledge is power...you have to know that you don't know and know that its time to change, or you can never truly be powerful. To know that is power. To change it is electric. I intend to create a whole new grid.

And there you have it- full circle. I drink because I work. I work because I drink. It's a vicious cycle...

First I need to find the tiny little mouse hole, drink the liquid and be small enough to crawl through to the next room.

Getting the liquid seems to be the hard part..too bad its not vodka...I've got loads of that at home... or maybe its just MORE vodka....?

I think at the end of a big bottle of something alcoholic will be the secret to what needs to be done in order to live a fulfilling life. You can't blame those people at AA- they were just buying lottery tickets really....hoping for the golden ticket at the bottom of some schnapps...it is there, but only at the bottom of the right bottle for the right person at the right time. That is the problem...you can't get enlightenment from drunkenness, you just get unemployed and liver failure.