Let's Talk About Something, Shall We?

Let's talk. Get your coffee, your tea, your sippy cup full of Bailey's that you think no one knows about, whatever. Just get your beverage and your ass into a chair and listen up. Put down your phone. We have to talk.

You know who you are. Don't look over your shoulder, dear. I'm looking at you. There is no one back there. Good? Good.

Stop posting shit on facebook. I mean it. Stop. You are on a hiatus.

For one month, just live your life. Go out, eat dinner, look at the person you are with. Talk to them. Enjoy the savory and the sweet and don't touch your phone. Keep your hands free to gesture while you talk, gently touch the hand of your loved one or stick your gum under the table. I don't care. But stop staring at the four inch screen that you think is better than the world. It is not.

Stop staring at the computer monitor. Yes, this one. This very one. Stop staring at it while lurking through other people's lives. Stop putting yours there. Because the truth is, Facebook and other social media sites are like a pair of glasses that don't belong to you. Sure, you can see through them. Maybe even better than your regular vision. But soon enough, they give you a headache. You are trying to see normally through a lens made to avoid just that. You are being fed certain pieces of someone's life and you are plucking out choice pieces of your own to offer up for slaughter comments. STOP.

This is your life. Right here and now. The feeling of your elbows on the too-hard desktop that you wish was a pillow. The tightness in your legs as you keep the laptop propped up in bed. The glow of the lamp you need to turn off to get any sleep. The feeling that you are being watched that makes your head tingle so you look up. Right into the eyes of someone who wants your attention. Give it to them. Even..... no ESPECIALLY if it is all you have to give. It is precious and rare and real and full. Like your life when you stop trying to live it through a carefully crafted narrative that you think makes you look better to people you never see.

Go.

Now.

How My Job Drives Me To Drink

I have been doing it again. Having the same conversation over and over and over. Having it with myself, having it with other people, having it in my sleep. What do they say about doing the same thing over and over again? I've been circling the shark pool and yet trying to bob for apples. There is nothing left in this conversation. Or is there?

I've found myself circling closer to the source of everything. Its a swim of discovery, kids. I had this conversation a couple of months ago with someone and today I edited for clarity (ha! as if!) and nothing has changed. This is the definition of a rut:

Today I am vacillating between utterly and completely bored and disinterested and thinking of feigning terminal illness to leave and just getting up, grabbing my shit and walking out. I am blown away that I am here- its like my car is on auto pilot to drive here every day.

 It is not even that bad, it's just the realization that this is not for me and never has been. I am not a secretary, I just happen to be able to do those things. I'm not a professional hand washer but I am competent at it... you know? I'm sure I am not the only person trapped in a stupid job but this is now so far beneath my skill set as to be ridiculous. I do lots of menial things at home, why do I need to be here? 

I am in need of a break. I want to go home and clean my house and write a book and paint for a week then do some work in the garden and plant little flowers and paint some walls and let my hair get all dread-locked because it does that when i sleep on my curls. I want to just spend two hours painting intricate patterns on my toenails and a day or a month reading old books....is that too much to ask?

I need a hippie vacation where I take a van and drive somewhere and camp on the beach for one night until I regain my senses and sleep in a hotel....I need to meet new people and write about my travels and run away for a while and be a vegan for a week, teach myself to play guitar and smoke something crazy and stop wearing makeup. I'll shave because I'm neurotic but still....getting up to get dressed to sit here and pretend I give a shit about where we hold our holiday party/meeting? Nope. Not today.

Why don't we go? Life is so short. we are owned by our possessions ..yes things are nice but life is real and real is as good as it gets. I'd rather meet a wonderful old woman who makes amazing coconut pie in a diner in Texas with a life story than to sit in an office on the life support of a paycheck while trying to grow with the help of fluorescent lights. I would rather scrape up my last dollar for that pie than earn another for giving myself away.

While I carried on with all of these white girl problems, my friend Allison said to me that people don't go because we have it ingrained into us that this is how life is supposed to be and that we look down on those who "get out"

She makes an excellent point- we do... we all do..if you are not driving a newer car, paying your 'dues' and conforming to society in a way that would make you acceptable for a Chase bank commercial, you are doing it ALL WRONG! And we are all there to point it out to anyone who messes it up, lest they make us feel/look bad.

Of course we live at the capacity of our incomes, making what we need in order to look like we make a lot, spending all of it in the pursuit of something that makes it OK to keep going to work...what is the sense in consuming more things to make you happier about the terrible job you do to make the money to consume more things?

It reminds me of the Austin Powers line by Fat bastard: I eat because I'm depressed, I'm depressed because I eat, its a vicious cycle! 

The worst part, I feel, is that I'm not even saying anything we all don't know.. all of my words are superfluous. Without inspiration my life will continuously be a repeat of what I know and what everyone knows. That is how you convince yourself something is true- keep saying it, surround yourself with others who believe it and will keep saying it. Pretty soon you are in a feedback loop of your own original thought. What will I have thought that is new in the next 50 years unless I change the loop/break a wall/surround myself with different and interesting and new and challenging things? I'll have nothing to say. Perhaps that is the worst thing of all.

And yet....


Knowledge is power...you have to know that you don't know and know that its time to change, or you can never truly be powerful. To know that is power. To change it is electric. I intend to create a whole new grid.

And there you have it- full circle. I drink because I work. I work because I drink. It's a vicious cycle...

First I need to find the tiny little mouse hole, drink the liquid and be small enough to crawl through to the next room.

Getting the liquid seems to be the hard part..too bad its not vodka...I've got loads of that at home... or maybe its just MORE vodka....?

I think at the end of a big bottle of something alcoholic will be the secret to what needs to be done in order to live a fulfilling life. You can't blame those people at AA- they were just buying lottery tickets really....hoping for the golden ticket at the bottom of some schnapps...it is there, but only at the bottom of the right bottle for the right person at the right time. That is the problem...you can't get enlightenment from drunkenness, you just get unemployed and liver failure.

Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Jobs

So I may have already told you, but I've held a lot of jobs. I would like to tell you how many, but honestly I lost count. It's more than you have had, of that I am sure. That's what happens when you are a dreamer and don't want to be pigeonholed.

Currently I am in the shit stick of jobs. Its a quicksand pile of douchebaggery, punctuated by the ramblings of an overgrown baby in control of the place. Worst of all- I got this job on purpose. I needed a job, I applied, I willed them to interview me and unsurprisingly, they called me in. That was a year and a half ago. Its not even the worst job I've ever had. By a long shot. Its just the latest in a long string of jobs that were 'safe' and made 'sense' and let me get more mileage out of the 'office clothes' I've collected over the last decade and a half.

Now, I know where you are headed.....just stop. Stop right there, put down the "you're lucky to have a job" sign and step away. There. Much better, hmmm? M'kay.

Because I know I am fortunate to be employed. I know lots of people went to college, obtained important degrees and are stuck in jobs that are so far beneath them, they get vertigo stepping into the office. I know that, but unless you are new here, you know that will not stop me from talking about it.

Husband and I are currently embroiled in two of the worst jobs. The actual job description, location, climate, office, clothing, etc. are not the problem. The problem is the people in charge and the culture they create. You learn something from every experience in life, and from this one we are learning to ask, "So what is your management style? and 'How would you say you delegate tasks?', 'What anti psychotic medications are you currently taking?"and other questions to potential employers in future job interviews.

Everyone copes with their horrible, no good, very bad job in one way or another. I have decided that my job is going to get their money's worth out of me. No more than that. And I don't make millions here, so....You get a second blog post today! And you! And you!

Hey, at least I'm not working in retail over this holiday season, but I assure you I did not go to college so that I could help management figure out how to load a stapler. This place has pushed me closer to what I need to be doing than anything ever has. The realization of how much money my superiors make while they watch puppy videos on You Tube is the final crushing blow that forced me to write.

Hubby works for a long distance, self styled Type A manager without enough skills to do his job who has installed a new puppet to do her dirty work/surveillance. Such an oppressively fake atmosphere. In the spirit of terrible jobs we (should be grateful for) hate, let's list jobs we would love:

1. Writer
2. Bed tester
3. Book reviewer
4. Model
5. Secret Shopper
6. Toy company CEO
7.  Ice cream taster
8. Professional Ice Skater
9. New gadget tester
10. Philanthropist

Isn't that better? Now go buy a lottery ticket, I have heard its over $400 Million!