Thursday, November 8, 2012

Shit to get done

Shit to get done:

So I write a lot of lists. I get it from my father. The thing about lists is that they have a purpose that is unique to the person writing them. I love to find other people's grocery lists in a cart I get at the store. I am inherently curious as to what other people shop for. That is just because I am a nosy busybody and want to know what everyone else has in their fridge. Because I can't go to their house, open the fridge and stand in front of it for 10 minutes. I can only see their lists. Or their cart. But if you've ever stared at someone's cart for more than a few seconds, you know that you are branded as a stalker to them. If they leave their list in a cart and you happen to get that cart, you are able to see in the window of who that person is. Baby food? Glad I'm not you. Tampons? Been there, sister. Yoplait? I like your must have sent someone else to the store. Ice? Hmmm, maybe you are a drinker, I might like you. Vodka? Now we're talking.

Lists are important to me. I can write a list of things to do the next day and the simple fact that I put it on paper means that I can go to sleep. My mind no longer has to juggle all of those items, making sure that in fact I put all of the things on there in order of importance or sequence of time (depending on how OCD that particular day is going). I have it all on my little list.

These are always on pieces of paper. Not even in a spiral notebook. A loose, all on its own piece of paper such as an index card or those huge sticky notes or half a sheet of copy paper that I grabbed from the printer. Paper. Real paper. I have an iphone and people say to me- do you know you can put all of that in the phone? No. I did not know that. I have never used this phone. Does this make calls? Get the fuck away. Now I have to find a piece of paper so I can write "SHIT LIST" on the top and make sure you are the first line. Go fuck yourself.

So many lists. I find that it is how I organize my thoughts, keep myself from going insane, remember to do things that I would otherwise forget or find too unpleasant to do. It can be scooping out the cat shit and if I write it on a list, I will totally do it, because I need the self approval that comes from crossing it off of a list. You know you have an inner voice when you won't cross something off of a list that you haven't done yet. You also know you are a lazy slob when you put stuff on the list that you have done so that you have more items crossed off. I'm not judging, I'm telling you that I do that...

Number one on a list for a long time for me has been to start a blog. This has been at the top of a lot of mental lists. I read (lurk) a lot of blogs. Big famous blogs and smaller, lesser known, (happen to stumble on it and stayed 6 hours) kind of blogs. I've only written this goal a handful of times. I am was afraid.

That is the reality. You can call it busy, lazy, ADHD, OCD, whatever you want. Fear is an incredible motivator and it kept me motivated not to do this. It even kept the idea of blogging off of my lists. Fear is powerful like that sometimes.

I've had an epiphany. Like all long words that mean changing your reality, this one came with the realization that I was afraid. The next logical question was to ask- of what? Ah, that is where the truth comes in. Afraid of judgement, of others seeing what I only write on scraps of paper or in legal pads when I am at the office pretending to do work. Of how I feel. Of who I am. 

There it is. Of who I am. Because I keep that well hidden under a pile of lists. I am a writer. I am a thinker, I am a free spirit and a closet hippie. I am good at a lot of things and I don't want to do any of them all of the days of my life. I can tie my shoes and I will not do that professionally, so I am not that interested in making my living off of keeping my boss from losing his mind or holding onto mine as long as I work with him. None of that is who I am. This is. And that is scary. 

What is not scary to me are internet trolls, those who read only to comment. Who pick at the spaces between. You are missing the forest for the trees. No one fears you. Stop judging. Write your own blog. Come out from behind your 'anonymous' tag and show yourself and  your abilities. No? Maybe a list of your own shortcomings. Don't be afraid. This is for your own good.

I am embracing the fear. This is the work you have to do. Even when no one reads it. Even when everyone does. It will be worth it. It already is.

1 comment:

  1. "Get the fuck away. Now I have to find a piece of paper so I can write "SHIT LIST" on the top and make sure you are the first line. Go fuck yourself." Favorite line? Fuck Yes!