Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Ask Me About Your Imminent Death

This is the sign I am trying to post on my desk. Facing outward. Towards the door. So far, negotiations are not going well. Apparently it sounds 'threatening'. Whatever.

I am in the position of being the one to tell people where to go look for all the fucks I don't give when they walk into my office with a personal problem. I have been here for 2 years and let me tell you, I don't give a mother fuck what your problem is and how it should equate to me getting you a pencil, pen, stapler, sharpener, post-it note, paperclip, bottle of water, or a place to whine. Get the fuck out. Come back if you have a real problem so I can tough love it out of you. 

This is a real concern because I work at a school. There are hundreds of people that mill through this building every day and thousands across campus. I don't know about all of them, but I do know about me. I never once in all the way too many years it took me to complete my college degree ever though that it was a good idea to go track down a department office and find an admin who looked like they would be interested in helping me and then ask them for a number of office supplies, or the use of a phone, or if they had a stick of gum. They are not there for you. They are trying to do the job of keeping things running so that your instructor calls your name on the first day of class, so that you have books in the bookstore to actually buy when you need them for a course, managing schedules and equipment and supplies and part time know- my job.

 Which is not, nor will it ever be, wiping your ass. Furthermore, if my job was to hand out office supplies, I'd have a cash register. You will notice the campus SELLS that stuff. That's right...keep walking...uh huh...almost there...and SLAM. No longer my problem.

Entitlement is the real problem. It is everything. The impetus for some of my best jokes, the most annoying thing to ever happen and at the same time, it is the reason I am where I am. To eradicate entitlement in all its forms. Hence the tough love approach to things. Entitlement will earn you imminent death. Maybe you didn't know that. Fate brought us together so I can slap out of you the idea that everyone is here to serve you. Should you ignore this, see the sign.

Hear that world? You are on notice. If you think someone owes you something or that you shouldn't have to go through the proper channels, wait in line, do your part or show up to your own life, I am here to tell you otherwise. All you have to do is ask. For something you shouldn't have. Do it. I dare you.

Then I will give out the best freebie I have: Free Throat Hugs!


  1. Oh please come work the front desk at my stupid spa job! I was at a grocery store called Stew Leonards with my mother a while ago and outside of the entrance they have a sign that says "Rule number one: the customer is always right. Rule number two: Refer to rule number one." I nearly dragged my mother right out of the store but she wouldn't have it, saying that we were going to run out of places to shop if I didn't quit enforcing my moral high ground with regard to company policy everywhere. So instead I followed her around the place for an hour telling her that any organization that was so narrow as to assert a customer can under NO circumstance be wrong must be horrible to their employees. She said that anywhere with a talking mechanical pig that advertises the pork products had to be a fun place to work. We often differ on social issues. Anyway, I hate the notion that just because you are paying me to do something means you can walk all the fuck over me any which way you like. Not on my clock! In unrelated news, I've been fired from well over a dozen jobs. Cheers!

  2. Heck yes! I don't think there will be any front desk jobs after this one for me, but a spa front desk does sound like it would be a great place for me to teach the world just how far that kind of attitude will get ya! I completely understand about your experiences with your mother. My mom will put up with anything from anybody and I'll be damned if I see that happening so we often can't shop together. I've had a looooong list of jobs, never been fired but sometimes I think I'm ready for that next step.. go all the way and let it rip. I can get a new job, but they will always be themselves and that is really the best punishment!